mocktoblog

Now I Know - Max Indian I know I kind of ragged on these guys...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:13:00 -0500

Now I Know - Max Indian

I know I kind of ragged on these guys for making me relabel nine songs, but this album is actually legitimately excellent.*

*it’s probably only “pretty great”, but the Hey This Band Is From My Town factor gets me every time.

Norm Scott knows what's up.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:42:18 -0500

Norm Scott knows what's up.:

Gather around, my little bartenders, and I’ll drop some whiny knowledge: unless you’re running a gag series, webcomics are a dangerous proposition. No matter what noble aspirations begat the effort, in the end, they’re motivated solely by that ever-present deadline, which dulls creativity and innovation like sharp steel being scraped edge-first on a brick wall. In the end, it strangles the product, and you’re left with a zombie of a comic series, continuing to exist without any spark of vitality, without any purpose except to meet the next deadline. Think “Cathy.”

Yes.

The current situation over at Mocktopus is a combination of a bunch of things. “Creative drought”. “School”. “The fact that I am weak”. Doing a comic five days a week is something I’d love to be able to do, and I had it going pretty well during the summer, but it’s just not a feasible option if I want to cultivate creativity and ideas, rather than churn out five jokes about rapping sloths a week, three of which are in copy-paste sprite form.

I just can't catch a break.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:39:38 -0500

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Because, you know…you know how, like, when you’re...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:16:00 -0500

Because, you know…you know how, like, when you’re smoking, you inhale smoke, and then you blow it out? Yeah, because it looks like that. But it isn’t! It’s Smarties. But it looks like you’re smoking. Smoking something. Because of the smoke.

Hey, why did you stop writing?

(via.)

WHAT A GREAT JOKE, I AM LAUGHING

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:08:00 -0500

I bought a CD a couple of weeks ago at a local record fair, and when I imported it into iTunes today, this is what I saw:

Compare this to the actual album:

Hilarious.

This is the only time I'll do this.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:12:00 -0400

Alright, Gratuitous Picture Of Yourself Wednesday. You win.

Here is the story: I called my friend Nick and was all, “hey man. Jake and Amir are in town and are gonna post clues about where they are. ARE YOU GAME” and he was like “uh YES” and I was like “okay”, so we went for it. We were not even close to the first people to find them but it did not matter because we all went to a burger place and it was rad. Except that I wore the worst possible shirt. Look at that thing, it’s practically a dress. I could have worn any of the like five improv t-shirts I own. Then this would have happened:

Jake: Oh, you do improv?
Max: Yeah, I’m in a couple of groups around town.
Amir: That’s amazing. Will you be our best friend?
Jake: Say yes or I will cry.

Instead, this happened:

Amir: We’re going to go to a bar now. I don’t think you guys are twenty-one, sooo…
Max: Heh, yeah, uh, no.
Amir: Thanks for coming out, though!
Max: Yeah, no problem, see you soon!
Amir: …Yeah. Okay.
Max’s Brain: What the hell, Max. “See you soon?” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AAAAA

I am blaming it on the shirt.

Last night I met the best letter-lister in the world.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 23:52:47 -0400

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So here is an interview with Dan Harmon in The Onion and he talks about Improv.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:56:19 -0400

So here is an interview with Dan Harmon in The Onion and he talks about Improv.:

AVC: How has you improv background in Milwaukee impacted your subsequent career?

DH: It’s all-encompassing. The way I learned how to function as a human being, how to write, and how to collaborate—as much as I can—with other writers and producers, it’s all based on the principles I learned as a high schooler in ComedySportz. Just the basic improv stuff of saying “yes” instead of “no” as often as you possibly can, always assuming the other person is right no matter how ****ed up they sound. If you’re genuinely creative you’re going to find a way to make what this person is doing work for you.

FACT: Dan Harmon did ComedySportz in high school.

FACT: I am in high school, and I have done ComedySportz. Well, I mean. Kind of. “High School League”.

FACT: Dan Harmon is a cool guy who does a bunch of cool stuff.

ERGO: I am a cool guy who does a bunch of cool stuff?

…no, I’m still High School League in that, too.

-Mr. Obama, I really like you and my mom wanted me to ask...

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:34:00 -0400

-Mr. Obama, I really like you and my mom wanted me to ask if—
-SHHH. Shh. Stop talking. I do not care what your mother wants you to ask me. Mr. Obama’s real tired, son. Super tired. Like you would not believe. You know how stressful it is being the President? IT’S PRETTY HARD. I haven’t slept in days. In fact— you know what? You know what? I am going to sleep, right here. Right now. Tell that to your mom.
-But, Mr. Obama—
-ZZZZZZ CAN’T HEAR YOU

I know the best people and the worst linguists.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:18:00 -0400

Nick: HOLE!
Nick: DONA ESTA?
Nick: COMMA ESTA, I MEAN?
Max: oh god
Max: your spanish
Nick: IS MUY BENO
Nick: COMMO SE YAMMO?
Nick: ARIBA!

“some guy on stage. super bored. where u at?” OH...

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:53:39 -0400

“some guy on stage. super bored. where u at?”

OH HELLO NATIONAL TV

It's kind of a tragedy.

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:56:00 -0400

xXdarkandspooky72Xx: hey,, do uk anything about the play Dracula?
Max: There is a dracula, and his name is Dracula.
Max: He lives in space! And once a year he must come down to earth to get energy for his space station.
Max: When he comes down, he goes to Home Depot, but they don't have the batteries he's looking for, so he flips out and kills a bitch.
xXdarkandspooky72Xx: theyre having the play at my high school
Max: Also, there is a van. And its name is Helsing.
xXdarkandspooky72Xx: and idek if i should bother trying out
Max: It has wooden stakes tied to the front, and hits Dracula in the middle of the street, killing him instantly.
Max: Then the government seizes the space station and converts it into an amusement park!
Max: Until one of the children finds a secret chamber containing dracula's secret to eternal life.
Max: Then the feds chase this little kid across the space station to try and get this secret.
Max: Finally, the kid is exhausted and the feds are right behind him.
Max: So he uses the secret, and becomes a dracula! And there is a huge fiery transformation sequence and all of the government agents are immolated horribly.
Max: So then he kicks all of the tourists out and lives in the space station, and the cycle repeats itself.
[xXdarkandspooky72Xx has signed off]

Max: YOUR QUEST:go through “damn it feels good to be a...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:05:00 -0400

Max: YOUR QUEST:
go through “damn it feels good to be a gangsta”
replace “gangsta” with “panda”
Ethan: hahaha
Max: THIS IS YOUR QUEST

And then he actually did it.

The Art Teacher Hates Me

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:29:00 -0400

The Persistence of Memory is a well-known fable by renowned children’s writer Sal Dali. The title is ironic, as the story within is that of a forgetful young watchmaker named Dieter, who leaves his works out in the sun too long, causing them to melt.

Dali was awarded the Giesel Medal for Excellence in Children’s Storytelling for Persistence. His other works, such as The Birth of Liquid Desires and Mr. Owl Makes A Friend, are not nearly as well-known.

Spring Break Travelogue

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:05:00 -0400

Grocery stores work a little differently in Pennsylvania.

We stopped by the local supermarket today to pick up some meats, and were greeted by a large sign informing us that NO ONE UNDERSELLS OUR EASTER HAMS. It was written just like that— bold, underlined and caps locked, the holy trinity of emphasis. This was not an invitation to bring cheaper hams to their attention. This was a statement of fact. If you had seen a cheaper ham elsewhere, you kept your filthy mouth shut, you hear. There was also, during this time, a cawing emanating from some distant recess of the dairy section. As we drew closer, the source of the sound was located— it was a raven, cackling out a warning to all ye who dared question ham prices from atop its makeshift Yoplait perch. Surely, this must have been the last patron to present a competing ham! Its dark declaration continued until a team of cloaked store employees scared it away with brooms, which they then rode silently back through the Employees Only door from which they came.

Suffice it to say that we bought our ham and got out of there as fast as we possibly could, disregarding the fact that we had originally entered to purchase sausages.

Completely True Story. Honest to God.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

So I’m walking to Gym with my friend Blake. Blake’s wearing this t-shirt with the Green Lantern logo on it, right? Yes, that’s important. Sit down and hush yourself.

So we’re walking through the cafeteria, and Blake’s stopped by a custodian, who’s noticed his shirt. I’m going to try and recreate this conversation as best I can, here.

“Whatchoo know about Green Lantern?”
“Wha?”
“Whatchoo, know, about Green Lantern?”
“Well, uh, you know, he’s got the ring, he’s in the Justice League…”
“Yeah? What’s he say when he powers up?”
“Pardon?”
“When he powers up. When he does the ring.”
“Man, I don’t know that much, I just…I just like the shirt, dude.”
“Yeah…you don’t know shit ‘bout Green Lantern.”

This episode, on its own? Easily one of my top five school moments. A large part of it is because Blake is in no way a nerd, or, if he is, he’s very good at hiding it beneath layers of…snowboarding ‘n stuff, man. Yeah, he snowboards. Anyway. In any other situation where he wasn’t wearing that shirt, I would have been the one singled out as the comic book geek, no questions asked.

Now. Apparently, throughout this whole conversation, we’ve been blocking the path of the theater teacher, who makes this quite clear to us. We say something vaguely resembling an apology and continue on our way. Blake’s pretty shaken by being bested at Green Lantern trivia by a janitor. I’m going to try to recreate this as well.

“…I mean, I don’t know that much about Green Lantern, y’know? I know there’s like a couple different ones, right, there’s, uh, there’s a black one and a white one…”

At this point we’re in the stairwell, Theater Teacher walking in front of us, when she stops dead and swivels around, staring in disbelief at Blake.

“Did you really just say that? Seriously? Really?”
“I, I wasn’t trying to be racist—”
“It’s not about the race thing!”
“Oh, see, well, that janitor—”
“It’s about the dehumanization!”
“…what?”
“People aren’t “ones”! People have souls! They aren’t “ones”!”

Blake turned to me, desperate. The look in his eyes spoke volumes: “It’s a cartoon, lady.” He needed me to chime in, to say anything, to throw him a proverbial rope.

“Tell her what he says when he powers up.”

Brainstorming For A Science Project

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0500

a human cell is like donkey kong
a human cell is like pac-man
a human cell is like your bedroom
a human cell is like your phone company
a human cell is like the internet (as understood by ted stevens)
a human cell is like your mom
a human cell is like a bad joke
a human cell is like totally omg
a human cell is like a dog licking its balls
a human cell is like that bewildered look in your eyes you get
a human cell is like a stupid science class assignment

My Grandfather's Computer: A Dramatization

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I get so much spam these days, and my email doesn’t do a damn thing about it. The spam folder doesn’t catch it.

Well, sometimes you have to flag it as spam so it…

I’ve done that.

How?

I add the email addresses to the list of bad email addresses.

Okay, that won’t work, because you’re probably never going to get it from the same address twice.

I’m going to call my internet about it.
What?

Shhhh. It’s ringing. Hello? Hello? Yes, uh, yes. My email address gets too much spam. My username? Well, it’s not, uh, it’s not with your company.

Grandpa…

It’s a Hotmail. A Hotmail. What? Oh. Okay. Well alright. Thank you. Goodbye.

[later]

I want to save these emails, I hate deleting them. They’ve got jokes in them.

Well, you can make a new folder for emails you want to keep.

How do I do that?

Okay, go to…can I use the mouse? No? Okay, go to “File”… now click it with your mouse.

What mouse?

The curs— the arrow. Click it with the arrow.

I clicked it.

Okay, now go to “New…” now click “new folder.”

…Where is that.

[pointing] Right there.

But that just says “Folder.”

Well, yes, but it’s under the “New…” menu, so it’s like “New…Folder”.

That doesn’t make sense. It should have its own thing.

Well—

I’m going to call my internet about it.

Spotted on the street at Carrboro Music Festival.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:01:59 -0400

Spotted on the street at Carrboro Music Festival.