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Spring Break Travelogue
Grocery stores work a little differently in Pennsylvania.
We stopped by the local supermarket today to pick up some meats, and were greeted by a large sign informing us that NO ONE UNDERSELLS OUR EASTER HAMS. It was written just like that— bold, underlined and caps locked, the holy trinity of emphasis. This was not an invitation to bring cheaper hams to their attention. This was a statement of fact. If you had seen a cheaper ham elsewhere, you kept your filthy mouth shut, you hear. There was also, during this time, a cawing emanating from some distant recess of the dairy section. As we drew closer, the source of the sound was located— it was a raven, cackling out a warning to all ye who dared question ham prices from atop its makeshift Yoplait perch. Surely, this must have been the last patron to present a competing ham! Its dark declaration continued until a team of cloaked store employees scared it away with brooms, which they then rode silently back through the Employees Only door from which they came.
Suffice it to say that we bought our ham and got out of there as fast as we possibly could, disregarding the fact that we had originally entered to purchase sausages.
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Completely True Story. Honest to God.
So I’m walking to Gym with my friend Blake. Blake’s wearing this t-shirt with the Green Lantern logo on it, right? Yes, that’s important. Sit down and hush yourself.
So we’re walking through the cafeteria, and Blake’s stopped by a custodian, who’s noticed his shirt. I’m going to try and recreate this conversation as best I can, here.
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Brainstorming For A Science Project
a human cell is like donkey kong
a human cell is like pac-man
a human cell is like your bedroom
a human cell is like your phone company
a human cell is like the internet (as understood by ted stevens)
a human cell is like your mom
a human cell is like a bad joke
a human cell is like totally omg
a human cell is like a dog licking its balls
a human cell is like that bewildered look in your eyes you get
a human cell is like a stupid science class assignment -
My Grandfather's Computer: A Dramatization
I get so much spam these days, and my email doesn’t do a damn thing about it. The spam folder doesn’t catch it.
Well, sometimes you have to flag it as spam so it…
I’ve done that.
How?
I add the email addresses to the list of bad email addresses.
Okay, that won’t work, because you’re probably never going to get it from the same address twice.
I’m going to call my internet about it. -
Spotted on the street at Carrboro Music Festival.
